Last night, I spent an evening at the Nerdmelt Theater in Los Angeles, CA, for the most recent edition of Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction. A star-studded line-up of comedians wrote absurdly sexual tales with subjects as divergent as Don Quixote and Alf. Congratulations to winners Solomon Georgio (Alvin and the Chipmunks) and Heather Thompson (Alf). Special shout-outs to former Bay Boys, Chris Thayer (Breaking Bad) and Bobcat Goldthwait (Green Eggs and Ham), as well as the litany of talent on display. In celebration, by permission, I present to you another winner, David Gborie, culled from a CEFF show in August at the Hemlock Tavern. NSFW. Enjoy.
Steve Urkel was horny. A long day of calibrations and calculations had left mind melted and his loins wanting. Sadly his love for science couldn’t quench his lust for the lovely Laura Winslow. Just the thought of her pristine poop shoot sent his hormones into upheaval. He had to have her. Emboldened by an aggressive round of prepubescent prick palming he decided make a visit to the Winslow house next door.
He walked confidently up to the door and burst through with a “Heidi ho Winslow’s! Have you seen my lady love Laura?”. “She’s out back,” replied Mother Winslow. Steve strode to the back patio, khakis pants stretched tight due to his phallic fortitude. As he reached the back he was confronted by a vision of erotic euphoria. Laura was sitting on a lawn chair legs splayed toes in the grass wearing naught but a pair of daisy dukes and bikini top, soaking in the hot Chicago sun. Steve was at a loss for words. Here before him sat the source of all his mental sexual segues. She was the Tennille to his Captain, the wakka wakka to his Fozzy Bear, the “Fad” to his “JJ” and she was there to rock. He decided to use the advice her older brother Eddie had given him years before in regards to his luck with the ladies: “just whip it out and see what happens”.
With the enthusiasm of a single mom at an eHarmony meet and greet he released his rage rod. The look on Laura’s face went from hot a clammy to super randy. She hopped out of her chair faster than a hack comedian on a trending twitter topic. She looked at his juicy joystick and whispered in a pitch perfect Urkel impression “did I do that?” Before he could reply she dropped to her knees and took him inside of her mouth. His cylinder graduated. She fellated him with all the slow precision of a Kyle Kinane bit [Pandering to Kyle Kinane in attendance]. Before he could blow his load his cousin myrtle Urkel stepped out onto the deck, followed by 3J, the tough talking street wise 12 year old the Winslows had adopted from the mean streets of the Southside in Season 7. Juiced up by the sexy scene before them and 3J got down to business. He entered her with the skill a man twice his age and thrice his dick length. He hit her with the “Southside stroke”, so deep she swore to him they’d go half on a baby. Across the yard Steve finally crammed it into Laura’s slam hole.
Amidst this sexy fuckfest emerged Patrick Duffy from the hit ABC show step by step (it’s a TGIF crossover y’all). He directed everyone to the center of the backyard and became a sort of Fuck maestro for the entire orgy. He tweaked a nipple here and poked a poom poom, always encouraging never discouraging like a white trash Dr. Ruth. Stirred by the sultry sounds out back Karl, the patriarch of the Winslow clan, approached poon party. He made a bee line for Patrick Duffy. Hellbent on showing him why the other officers on the force called him “Karl Wangslow”. Their lips touched and in that moment Karl knew everything would be ok. His money woes, relationship worries, and 9th season cancellation fears all melted away in Duffy’s warm embrace. Within the next 3 minutes everyone came with the force of all the failed sitcoms that came before them. Family Ties! SPLORT! Charles in Charge! SPLORT! Facts of Life! Silver Spoons! SPLORT! SPLORT! And as everyone cuddled up and passed around the post-coital Kush blunt they all agreed. Thank God it’s Friday.