Feature: If Comedians Were Sex Toys

Sex and comedy are symbiotic bedfellows. Many comedians are martyrs for coitus’ often ridiculous trappings, spinning observational gold the night after the morning after.

When you bring in sex toys, things are liable to get even more funny, because really, who doesn’t enjoy a good 14 inch dildo joke? Even grandma gets down, right? At least on the jokes (hopefully). 

So as an homage to comedy and well, sex toys, I thought it would be fun to actually compare famous comedians to sex toys. Can you guess who’s going to be the 14incher?

Sarah Silverman—Loopy, quirky, neotonic, unassuming and dirty as all hell. Because of this, I think Sarah Silverman would be the perfect Rubber Duck Vibrator.

You know, one of those sex toys that is disguised as something else so that your nosy neighbors won’t know that you like to get your jollies in the bathtub.

Katt Williams—Before his recent troubles, Katt Williams was the paragon of real, raw filth. He’s dirty (although permanently immaculate), he’s a force to be reckoned with and he’s short. All of these fun factors culminate int one fancy butt plug. You need a lot of lube for those babies, it might be rough getting it in and they’re typically smaller than a 14 inch dildo.

Dane Cook—He’s always been that guy that you know was the really loud, annoying kid in the back of your high school English class. Sometimes he’s funny, sometimes he’s really off, sometimes he’s squirmy and other times he’s just embarrassing. Therefore, Dane Cook has been appropriately awarded the title of Penis Pump. Definitely harmful if swallowed. 

Louis CK—This man doesn’t mess around. He doesn’t have time. Extremely busy, versatile, tenacious, and expansive. He reveres candor and diligence, and is committed to make you laugh. That’s why Louis CK has been deemed Lube. It doesn’t get more down-to-business than that.

Kathy Griffin—An emphatic crass lass that doesn’t care what you think, and will certainly express her dismay towards you with incredible moxie. Kathy is never quick with the punchline. Her garrulous takes on pop culture can meander, but at the end, that very sweet spot, is glorious and you realize that you enjoyed the entire ride. Kathy Griffin gets crowned as an Adam & Eve cock ring. She’d be so proud.

Margaret Cho—That’s an easy one. Margaret Cho, San Francisco’s pro-sex, pro-Pride, pro-hilarity, is a strap-on. She’s intense, in your face and quite elaborate. If you don’t think she’ll give it to you hard, you’ve pegged her wrong!