"I like porn. I like porn so much I jerk off before so I can finish the whole clip."
— Christopher John @ Vice Principals of Comedy/Lost Weekend Video [Paraphrase]
"Everybody wants to be a nerd. They think, ‘Oh, I like obscure shit so that makes me a nerd.’ It’s not about liking things, it’s about people not liking you."
— Christopher John @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase. Full Set Available Here @ 00:29:20]
"I was outside and I offered this girl my jacket. She said, “I’m not cold.” I said, “I know, but your arms are hideous.”"
— Christopher John @ Amnesia [Paraphrase]
"I killed somebody in cold blood. I drowned them in it."
— Christopher John @ Ivy Room [Paraphrase]
"I used to think I was all for abortion, but then I realized I just hate meeting new people."
— Christopher John @ Kingman’s Ivy Room [Paraphrase]
"I get hella pussy! Too much pussy if you ask me."
— Christopher John @ Sports Basement/Good Times at the Grotto [Paraphrase]