David Cairns. “When I Wore a Younger Pimps Clothes”.

David Cairns. “When I Wore a Younger Pimps Clothes”.

Not a Sketch Group Presents: Cam’Ron (Disney Parody)

Not A Sketch Group may exist, and it may not. It may consist of Nicole Calasich, Joe Gorman, David Cairns and OJ Patterson, or it may consist of many more, or no one at all. The ambiguous group has released a video musical based on the Disney film “Beauty and the Beast”. This is all that is known of about the group at the time. Enjoy.


No one’s chic as Cam’ron
No one’s sleek as Cam’ron
No one’s girlfriend’s incredibly meek as Cam’ron’s

For there’s no man in town half as novel
Perfect in that cardigan!
You can ask any Butch, Breeze, or Lola
And they’ll tell you whose team they’d prefer to be on.

No one’s been like Cam’ron
A thrift king like Cam’ron
No one’s got a swell plug in his ear like Cam’ron
I find black people very intimidating!
My what a guy, that Cam’ron!

Give 5 PBRs
Give 12 pierced lips
Gaston is the best
And the rest are all Pips
(Subtitle: Ironic that he is afraid of black people, but loves their music, huh?)

No one blogs like Cam’ron
Updates tweets like Cam’ron
At a pub quiz, no team name so droll as Cam’ron’s

For there’s no one as clever or witty
As you see, I’ve got podcasts to spare!
Not a bit ill-informed with his apathy
That’s right!
I read Chomsky if NPR’s not on the air.

No one quips like Cam’ron
Acid trips like Cam’ron
At a punk show, nobody talks shit like Cam’ron,
"They used to be good, now they’re irritating!
Poopoo, just one star from Cam’ron!

When I was a lad, I heard 7 B-sides
Each morning to make me unique
Now that I’m grown, play them on 45’s
So the sound quality’s at its peak!
(Oh! Ahh! Wow!)
My what a guy, that Cam’ron!

No one jeers like Cam’ron
Rides fixed gears like Cam’ron
From a war draft, stays awfully clear like Cam’ron
"Instead, me and Che will go demonstrating!"
My what a guy,

Original Song:

Big props to Nicole Calasich. This is really her baby and she did an awesome job.

Comedy on the 19 Polk Muni Bus. Hosted by. Conrad Roth. Featuring Jesse Elias, Sammy Franco, Nicole Turley, Ricky Luna, Colleen Watson, and David Cairns.

Underground Comedy Night II

All Photos by. Raun Harris. Full Set found Here.

This Day of Cairns (Zappy Birthday)

Fresh face to San Francisco comedy, I enter into the House of Shields. Low illumination, chatty Kathies, Amazonian bartenders: it was like walking fresco painting. In the balcony Kris Tinkle’s head bobbed up and down, setting up the microphone. Upstairs Irene shifted through notes while unholstering her camera. There were very few anybodies up there: the showrunners, maybe three audience members, and some comedians I hadn’t grown to know. One said comedian was Mr. David Cairns.

I immediately liked David’s comedy because it was spilling over with self-reflection while the act was continuing. Basically David creates a lot of asides and prefaces before he would get to the punchline, weaving in and out with pitch control and inflection that made everything he said funny to me. [David Cadence] Hey you guys. His brother wasn’t allowed to hear the song “Tequila” by. The Champs because of uh, his mother, thought it warp his mind. So instead, she would go “Duh-duh-duh/duh-duh-duh-duh-Duh-Duh/duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh-duh-Duh/duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh-duh-Duh-Duh/duhduhduhduhduhduh SPAGHETTI!” [/David Cadence]. Excellent.

After the show we both traded pats on the back.

Next week David brings a ukulele. He sings a mumbling version of Spoon’s “Underdog”. I laugh hysterically.

After the show we traded pats on the back.

That would happen quite frequently, and I always looked forward to it. David would bring something extremely different every time he went onstage and I would love it. I met a very kindred spirit, very early on, and it really inspired me to do better. To put it on an extremely nerdy level, David is my Sasake, a natural who keeps getting better that I’m constantly chasing.

David is quickly becoming a legend because legends can only be experienced fully first hand; the rest are just whispers. I can’t fully convey David’s set at the Brainwash where he roleplayed a blind-deaf man for the duration of the night for a five minute set. There’s no counting how many laugh loops have sprung from a Cairns cognition: scissoring buttholes, Spider-Man Around the World, minimal mimes…

(Note: Laugh loop is when one person laughs really hard. This triggers laughter from somebody else. Then the original laugher laughs at the second laugher’s laughter and so on and so on).

David is constantly bubbling, constantly at a play, constantly creating new things out of the space given. He’s constantly a “soc” and constantly a great friend. I look forward to this long, weird road we’re on together in this burrito continuum.

Happy Birthday David

Photo by. Ashley Bennett

EDWLynch’s San Francisco BBC Report featuring Evan Wagoner-Lynch and David Cairns

Blue Room Interior 

Blue Room Interior 

Underground Comedy Night III (Part 2) by. Raun Harris

Full set available: here

Hey guys it’s National Chain Chomp Coming Out Day

-David Cairns while playing Mario Kart 64 at Ashley Bennett’s place.

Hey guys it’s National Chain Chomp Coming Out Day

-David Cairns while playing Mario Kart 64 at Ashley Bennett’s place.

I took a peek at Joe Gorman’s notebook. (Who quotes themselves?)

I took a peek at Joe Gorman’s notebook. (Who quotes themselves?)