"Have you ever tried to shit your pants then accidentally sneezed?"
— Mark Smalls @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]
"Kim[berly Rose Wendt] had that look on her face like, ‘Oh shit, I hope we can be still friends after placing everybody in this situation that may go poorly.’"
— Jules Posner on “producer face” @ Bar 355 [Paraphrase]
"My cat had her litter on the side of the highway…she was fined $1000"
— Dutch Savage @ Jambalaya [Paraphrased]
"I may not be the funniest comedian tonight but Keith D doesn’t pander"
— Keith D on “ra ra comedy” before getting applause @ Milk Bar/It’s Only Two Minutes [Paraphrase]
"Here’s an a-to-b joke: Life is like a box of chocolates: a thoughtless gift that the recipient has to pretend to appreciate."
— Sara Reihani @ Critical Hit (Comedy)/It’s Your Move [Paraphrase]
"Depression is crazy because it’s like living a mash up of Garfield and Groundhog Day, right? Because every day is the same day and they are all Mondays!"
— Aly Jones @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]
"My dick is so big, my dick gotta dick!"
— Frankie Lee @ Brainwash Cafe/Hella Hustle Showcase Open Mic [Paraphrase]