"I’m a sensible adult, I use coasters, until [I have] sex and then it’s FLUIDS EVERYWHERE!"
— Matt Lieb @ The Knockout [Paraphrase]
"The hardest part about having sex to Pandora [Radio] is continuing through the commercial."
— Spencer Latham @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]
"If bands are considered a ‘business’, KISS is the Bennigan’s of metal bands."
— Aviva Siegel @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]
"Have you ever tried to shit your pants then accidentally sneezed?"
— Mark Smalls @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]
"Kim[berly Rose Wendt] had that look on her face like, ‘Oh shit, I hope we can be still friends after placing everybody in this situation that may go poorly.’"
— Jules Posner on “producer face” @ Bar 355 [Paraphrase]
"My cat had her litter on the side of the highway…she was fined $1000"
— Dutch Savage @ Jambalaya [Paraphrased]
"I may not be the funniest comedian tonight but Keith D doesn’t pander"
— Keith D on “ra ra comedy” before getting applause @ Milk Bar/It’s Only Two Minutes [Paraphrase]