"I may not be the funniest comedian tonight but Keith D doesn’t pander"
— Keith D on “ra ra comedy” before getting applause @ Milk Bar/It’s Only Two Minutes [Paraphrase]
"Here’s an a-to-b joke: Life is like a box of chocolates: a thoughtless gift that the recipient has to pretend to appreciate."
— Sara Reihani @ Critical Hit (Comedy)/It’s Your Move [Paraphrase]
"Depression is crazy because it’s like living a mash up of Garfield and Groundhog Day, right? Because every day is the same day and they are all Mondays!"
— Aly Jones @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]
"My dick is so big, my dick gotta dick!"
— Frankie Lee @ Brainwash Cafe/Hella Hustle Showcase Open Mic [Paraphrase]
"You know what I love about bombing? Wherever it is, it all sounds the same"
— Chris Sumner @ La Roccas Open Mic [Paraphrase]
"I used to live in the Sunset [District], where it’s cloudy every day. I now live in Oakland, where it’s sunny every day. The bad thing is black and brown people die in Oakland every day. And I’m black and brown, pretty much every day."
— David Hobley @ La Rocca’s Open Mic [Paraphrase]
"The economy is so shitty I heard it’s going to take three to tango. I found out that the opposite of “forward” is “Hayward”."
— Jason Dove @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase. Full Set: Here @ 39:12]