"My dick is so big, my dick gotta dick!"
— Frankie Lee @ Brainwash Cafe/Hella Hustle Showcase Open Mic [Paraphrase]
"You know what I love about bombing? Wherever it is, it all sounds the same"
— Chris Sumner @ La Roccas Open Mic [Paraphrase]
"I used to live in the Sunset [District], where it’s cloudy every day. I now live in Oakland, where it’s sunny every day. The bad thing is black and brown people die in Oakland every day. And I’m black and brown, pretty much every day."
— David Hobley @ La Rocca’s Open Mic [Paraphrase]
"The economy is so shitty I heard it’s going to take three to tango. I found out that the opposite of “forward” is “Hayward”."
— Jason Dove @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase. Full Set: Here @ 39:12]
"A plane hit a building. We got to watch it on TV in class. My teacher cried. [I] went home [after] an hour. And they’re swearing on TV. If you’re saying that’s not the coolest thing in the world when you’re in the 5th grade, then fuck you."
— George Cruickshank explaining childish sociopathy during 9/11 @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]
"When you have social anxiety and see a somebody going for a high-five, it looks more like a sign for “keep your distance.”"
— Luwa Tosin @ Lower Branch [Paraphrase]