"I recently had a bad experience with weed brownies. I ate two of them. 20 minutes later, I didn’t feel anything, so I ate another two. And then all of a sudden out of nowhere, I got diabetes. Now I’m diabetic… still hasn’t kicked in yet."

— Christopher John @ Cynic Cave 2-Year Anniversary/Lost Weekend Video [Paraphrase]

"It’s hard to lose a parent. It’s even harder if you were hoping to lose the other parent first. [beat] If you were my brother, you’d be giving me a standing ovation, ‘Finally somebody said it.’"

— Laurie Kilmartin @ Cynic Cave 2-Year Anniversary/Lost Weekend Video [Paraphrase]

"So, this is what I’m doing instead of spending time with my kids."

— Natasha Muse to a tepid audience @ Cynic Cave 2-Year Anniversary/Lost Weekend Video [Paraphrase]

"San Francisco: If you can make it here, you’re still gonna have to make it somewhere else."

Dro @ Rite Spot Cafe/Misery Index [Paraphrase]

"I have a World Cup joke that never works but I’m going to tell it anyway: Italians are known for being great actors—Robert De Niro, Al Pacino. You know why? They grew up playing soccer. [Tepid response] That’s going to kill in Europe."

Samson Koletkar @ The Washington Inn [Paraphrase]

Favorite Things of Last Night: “Obama and My Penis” by Matt Lieb. Recorded Live at Stage Werx in SF. 

"Forget wishing for a heart, if I were the Tin Man I would go to Chipotle and watch pretty girls eat foil-wrapped burritos."

Brendan Lynch @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]

"I got so high this morning that I lost a staring contest with the number 88."
– Ben Kolina @ Vice Principals of Comedy / Lost Weekend Video [Paraphrase]

"I got so high this morning that I lost a staring contest with the number 88."

– Ben Kolina @ Vice Principals of Comedy / Lost Weekend Video [Paraphrase]

"Before he visited Spain, it was known as Spleasure."

— Hayden Greif-Neill roasting Jon Urlie @ Vice Principals of Comedy/Lost Weekend Video [Paraphrase]

"I like porn. I like porn so much I jerk off before so I can finish the whole clip."

— Christopher John @ Vice Principals of Comedy/Lost Weekend Video [Paraphrase]