"San Francisco: If you can make it here, you’re still gonna have to make it somewhere else."
— Dro @ Rite Spot Cafe/Misery Index [Paraphrase]
"I have a World Cup joke that never works but I’m going to tell it anyway: Italians are known for being great actors—Robert De Niro, Al Pacino. You know why? They grew up playing soccer. [Tepid response] That’s going to kill in Europe."
— Samson Koletkar @ The Washington Inn [Paraphrase]
"Forget wishing for a heart, if I were the Tin Man I would go to Chipotle and watch pretty girls eat foil-wrapped burritos."
— Brendan Lynch @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]
"Before he visited Spain, it was known as Spleasure."
— Hayden Greif-Neill roasting Jon Urlie @ Vice Principals of Comedy/Lost Weekend Video [Paraphrase]
"I like porn. I like porn so much I jerk off before so I can finish the whole clip."
— Christopher John @ Vice Principals of Comedy/Lost Weekend Video [Paraphrase]
"I’m kind of nostalgic for when I used to think thoughts and not say them into microphones."
— Walker Glenn @ Penelope Bar [Paraphrase]
"Fuck the police: they’re notoriously attentive lovers."
— Molly Sanchez @ Penelope Bar [Paraphrase]