"SparkNotes is when you wanted to read a book but skip it at the same time because you didn’t trust the movie."

Adrian McNair @ Ivy Room Open Mic [Paraphrase]

"One of my favorite artists is Van Morrison. Few people know that “Brown Eyed Girl” was about a girl with green eyes and two buttholes."

Darby Herms @ Ivy Room Open Mic [Paraphrase]

"I think ‘Flamin’ Hot Cheetos’ are just gay Cheetos."

Andrew Orolfo @ Ivy Room Open Mic [Paraphrase]

"[Republicans] voted forty two times to repeal the law. Sounds a little obsessive compulsive, which is a mental disease, which is ironically covered in Obamacare"

— Henry Hopkins @ Ivy Room Open Mic [Paraphrase]

"If somebody asks you if you want ‘extra mustard’ [on your sandwich], they want to fuck!"

Daryus Monday on sandwich delusion @ Ivy Room Open Mic [Paraphrase]


"There was a time when YouTube didn’t exist and we needed the most bland dude to introduce videos."

– Johan Miranda on explaining Carson Daly in the future @ Ivy Room Open Mic [Paraphrase]

"There was a time when YouTube didn’t exist and we needed the most bland dude to introduce videos."

– Johan Miranda on explaining Carson Daly in the future @ Ivy Room Open Mic [Paraphrase]

"You know you’re broke when you’re at the Dollar Store and have to make a decision."

— John Griffin @ Ivy Room Open Mic [Paraphrase]