"What do you guys call a fat two-faced liar? A hippo-crit."
— Michael James Benson @ The Comedy Store [Paraphrase]
"Guys are always complaining about getting put in ‘The Friend Zone’. I find that offensive because as a woman I’m always placed in ‘The Fuck Zone’."
— Molly Hart @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]
"People don’t eat McDonald’s because they love it, they eat it because they can’t see a future. The slogan should be changed to ‘McDonald’s: Fuck tomorrow’"
— Jerrod Carmichael @ The Laugh Factory [Paraphrase]
"I currently feel better than everybody, because I didn’t pay $10 to see you."
— Hayden Greif-Niell dismissing the audience @ Lost Weekend Video/Vice Principals of Comedy [Paraphrase]
"This is the most Oakland show I’ve ever seen."
— Juan Medina after a shouting match happens in front of the stage @ Oakland Outdoor Comedy Show
"I think ‘Flamin’ Hot Cheetos’ are just gay Cheetos."
— Andrew Orolfo @ Ivy Room Open Mic [Paraphrase]