"I’m a nerdy white dude from the Bay Area, of course I’m not married to a white lady. Me and a white lady would be like be like wearing jeans and a jean jacket… It’s too matchy matchy."
— Scott Simpson @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]
"I’m a sensible adult, I use coasters, until [I have] sex and then it’s FLUIDS EVERYWHERE!"
— Matt Lieb @ The Knockout [Paraphrase]
"The hardest part about having sex to Pandora [Radio] is continuing through the commercial."
— Spencer Latham @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]
"If bands are considered a ‘business’, KISS is the Bennigan’s of metal bands."
— Aviva Siegel @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]
"My cat had her litter on the side of the highway…she was fined $1000"
— Dutch Savage @ Jambalaya [Paraphrased]
"I may not be the funniest comedian tonight but Keith D doesn’t pander"
— Keith D on “ra ra comedy” before getting applause @ Milk Bar/It’s Only Two Minutes [Paraphrase]
"Depression is crazy because it’s like living a mash up of Garfield and Groundhog Day, right? Because every day is the same day and they are all Mondays!"
— Aly Jones @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]