"A plane hit a building. We got to watch it on TV in class. My teacher cried. [I] went home [after] an hour. And they’re swearing on TV. If you’re saying that’s not the coolest thing in the world when you’re in the 5th grade, then fuck you."

George Cruickshank explaining childish sociopathy during 9/11 @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]

"When you have social anxiety and see a somebody going for a high-five, it looks more like a sign for “keep your distance.”"

Luwa Tosin @ Lower Branch [Paraphrase]


[Joe gets nervous as a Tenderloin audience member approaches the front row.] 
"I don’t like how my "white guy" came out just then. Who wants to walk me to BART after this?"

– Joe Gorman @ Lower Branch [Paraphrase]

[Joe gets nervous as a Tenderloin audience member approaches the front row.]

"I don’t like how my "white guy" came out just then. Who wants to walk me to BART after this?"

Joe Gorman @ Lower Branch [Paraphrase]

"I JUST READ A BOOK recent… [corrects self] Well, I listened to a book recently. Audio books, it’s the bomb; get all of the juice but none of the squeezing."

Stephen Furey @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase. Full Set: Here @ 34:35]

"[Boyfriends] can say anything they want and I won’t want talk to them, if it’s during Game of Thrones. ‘Don’t Talk During Game of Thrones’, those are my house words. They Greyjoy’s are ‘We Do Not Sow’. WE DO NOT TALK!"

Allison Mick @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase. Full Set: Here @ 15:35]

seankeane:

Caitlin and I love sports!

seankeane:

Caitlin and I love sports!

"Do you think if they put Jesus on the penny it would be called a JCPenny?"

Adam Newman @ SF Sketchfest/Lost Weekend Video [Paraphrase]

"… I don’t hate my dad. I just drink like I do."

Jules Posner @ Eureka Theater/SF Sketchfest [Paraphrase]

"It’s funny that the only thing people in San Francisco talk about are the 49ers and gentrification because 1849 was the year San Francisco became gentrified."

Dro @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]

"You ever take a shit so big, you convince yourself you could survive prison?"

Tim Young @ Dorsey’s Locker [Paraphrase]