"I once saw a magician pull a classified section out of his hat… followed by a red pen."
— Ray Molina riffing against unemployed magicians @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]
"Did you know [women] make their own gravy? Like, every time you eat pussy it’s au jus. [Groaning laughter] Cool. That’s what that joke usually gets."
— Ron Chapman @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase. Full Set Available: Here @ 13:50]
"Does anybody else think Regina Spector is just Ben Folds in drag?"
— Tobias Livingston @ The Night Light/Move Along, Nothing to See Here [Paraphrase]
"One of my favorite artists is Van Morrison. Few people know that “Brown Eyed Girl” was about a girl with green eyes and two buttholes."
— Darby Herms @ Ivy Room Open Mic [Paraphrase]
"You know how women say, ‘All men want is sex?’. Naw. I want a job… I’d rather have a job with benefits than a friend with benefits."
— Matt Lieb @ The Night Light/Move Along, Nothing to See Here [Paraphrase]
"I’m so poor that I don’t know when’s the last time I bought clothes in a place that only sells clothes. Anyplace I shop for clothes I can get two t-shirts, a box of condoms, and a can of propane."
— David Gborie @ The Night Light/Move Along, Nothing to See Here [Paraphrase]
"Let’s talk about “going Dutch”. I once heard a woman say she wouldn’t let a man pay for her because she’s a feminist. Lady, he’s still going to think you’re inferior whether you pay or not."
— Alyssa Westerlund @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]