"Greyhound is for pregnant teens [audience groans] and ex convicts. Oh is there a lot of pregnant teens in the audience? Well, I did get cheers for [mentioning] Fresno.”

– Julian Vance @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]

"Greyhound is for pregnant teens [audience groans] and ex convicts. Oh is there a lot of pregnant teens in the audience? Well, I did get cheers for [mentioning] Fresno.”

Julian Vance @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]

(Source: julianvance)

"Without beautiful transgendered women I wouldn’t have beautiful shoes. Without gay men I would have a date to prom."

Caitlin Gill on being tall @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]

"I used to love the song "No Scrubs" by TLC, until I grew up and met all of the qualifications…Yeah, I live with my parents, but I’m saving this money for us."

Johan Miranda @ The Knockout Open Mic [Paraphrased]

"Getting out a long-term relationship is the closest thing a human can get to coming out of the Disney Vault."

Kevin O’Shea @ The Knockout Open Mic [Paraprhase]

"A lot of people want America to be a theocracy but I for one don’t believe Malcolm Jamal Warner is fit to rule."

– Erik Charles Nielson @ cyniccave/Lost Weekend Video [Paraphrase]

"If you have to DARE your kids to not do drugs, maybe you’re not adequately prepared to be a parent."

Raum Dee @ Amnesia Open Mic [Paraphrase]

"SparkNotes is when you wanted to read a book but skip it at the same time because you didn’t trust the movie."

Adrian McNair @ Ivy Room Open Mic [Paraphrase]

"I recently went to South Korea. If you have the chance to be the only black person in a country, do it. Everything I did became a new stereotype… ‘Black people sure like to read.’"

Baron Vaughn @ Lost Weekend Video/Talkies (talkiesshow[Paraphrase]


"Have you ever noticed there’s a fine line between someone who is racist racist and someone who’s bad at comedy. Inversely have you noticed a fine line between someone who is racist and someone who doesn’t understand comedy?"

- Sammy Obeid (sammyko) @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]

"Have you ever noticed there’s a fine line between someone who is racist racist and someone who’s bad at comedy. Inversely have you noticed a fine line between someone who is racist and someone who doesn’t understand comedy?"

- Sammy Obeid (sammyko) @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]

(Source: sammyko)

"I once saw a magician pull a classified section out of his hat… followed by a red pen."

Ray Molina riffing against unemployed magicians @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]