"The last comedian called his wife a “bitch”, I wouldn’t call a woman a bitch because I know my mom, God rest her soul. I have two older sisters and these bitches are crazy."

— Leroy Stanfield Jr. @ Kimball’s Carnival [Paraphrase]


"Jesus saves… because he’s cheap. What. A. Jew."

- F.C. Sierra @ Kimball’s Carnaval [Paraphrase]

"Jesus saves… because he’s cheap. What. A. Jew."

- F.C. Sierra @ Kimball’s Carnaval [Paraphrase]

"I used to think I did comedy to understand the chaos of the universe, but I realize I just want to have a drink and not be alone."

— Jessica Sele @ Kimball’s Carnival [Paraphrase] 


"I’m too old to have daddy issues. I’m going to stop calling the dudes I have sex with ‘daddy’, and start calling them ‘son’."

- Stefani Silverman @ Kimball’s Carnival [Paraphrase]

"I’m too old to have daddy issues. I’m going to stop calling the dudes I have sex with ‘daddy’, and start calling them ‘son’."

- Stefani Silverman @ Kimball’s Carnival [Paraphrase]


"My mom told me, ‘Amir, you’d be handsome, if you didn’t look like your dad.’"

- Amir Malekpour @ Kimball’s Carnival [Paraphrase]
[Photo by Shawn Robbins]

"My mom told me, ‘Amir, you’d be handsome, if you didn’t look like your dad.’"

- Amir Malekpour @ Kimball’s Carnival [Paraphrase]

[Photo by Shawn Robbins]


"There’s a lot of young comics here and I want to encourage you to quit now. I started doing comedy in 1987… and I’m here."

- Laurie Kilmartin @ Kimball’s Carnival [Paraphrase]

"There’s a lot of young comics here and I want to encourage you to quit now. I started doing comedy in 1987… and I’m here."

- Laurie Kilmartin @ Kimball’s Carnival [Paraphrase]

Arrested outside of Kimball’s Carnival, right in time for it’s open mic show


"$5 dollar pumpkin spiced latte; for that much I could carve a pumpkin and drink coffee out of that."

- Jesse Elias @ Kimball’s [Paraphrase]

"$5 dollar pumpkin spiced latte; for that much I could carve a pumpkin and drink coffee out of that."

- Jesse Elias @ Kimball’s [Paraphrase]


"I love that the title is ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’, like I’m supposed to be looking behind me or looking up to see if there are frogs falling."

- Ethan Orloff @ Kimball’s [Paraphrase]

"I love that the title is ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’, like I’m supposed to be looking behind me or looking up to see if there are frogs falling."

- Ethan Orloff @ Kimball’s [Paraphrase]

(Source: yall-better-redneckognize, via yall-better-redneckognize)


"I beat my girlfriend at skeeball so that means I get to ‘bottom’ tonight… I might not have a girlfriend after this."

- Jessica Sele @ Kimball’s [Paraphrase]

"I beat my girlfriend at skeeball so that means I get to ‘bottom’ tonight… I might not have a girlfriend after this."

- Jessica Sele @ Kimball’s [Paraphrase]