"Does anybody know where glitter comes from? [Ignorant silence] Doesn’t that bother anybody?! … It’s probably made by the government. They made AIDS and crack, why not glitter?"

— Jeremy Talamantes @ Portal’s Tavern [Paraphrase]

"I realized how much money I could make if I didn’t care about sex."

Nicole Calasich on a recent hackathon @ Portal’s Tavern

Room Review: Portal’s Tavern


It’s an open mic. An open mic is an open mic: it’s the karaoke of musings; it’s the intellectual cover band, it’s the Tito Jackson of artistic endeavors (maybe even Marlon). Sure, Portal’s Tavern open mic, located in the gallbladder of San Francisco, is well operated, well staffed, well attended and well received, but it’s still an open mic.

Mondays are notoriously adverse to comedy, especially of the unpolished variety. Stand-up is small potatoes, and on a slow night it can potentially poison the well for sports – Go Niners! Go Giants! – and good ole fashion alcoholism. And for additional subtraction, whether by frugality or poverty, comics are notorious tightwads. Since the great Purge of 2011 (Kimo’s; 50 Mason; 800 Larkin, again), and finales of other castoffs (farewell Deco Lounge), the bow of the week has been adrift. Thankfully, Portal’s Tavern floated along and jokers clambered aboard like ill-fated lovers on a freezing door.

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Scott Simpson @ Portal’s Tavern

Scott Simpson @ Portal’s Tavern

"I wish [my girlfriend] would cheat on me so I can be free."

— Guactemo @ Portal’s Tavern

OJ Patterson, hosting @ Portal’s Tavern by Rach Shapiro. 

OJ Patterson, hosting @ Portal’s Tavern by Rach Shapiro

"These are all new jokes. Thank God I wrote them in pencil."

— Leo Moreland, open mic-ing it @ Portal’s Tavern [Paraphrase]

Comedy Theme Song: “I Saw My Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”

"Nobody’s talking about this person’s mother’s Santa-fetish!"

- Molly Trad on sexy, Christmas music @ Portal’s Tavern

"I broke up with my girlfriend, but it’s going to work out for the best, because we were cousins."

— Christopher John @ Portal’s Tavern [Paraphrase]

"Traps/Children" by Ariel Smith