"While I was moving my hand to shoo a fly away I accidentally transferred 250 dollars into my girlfriend’s checking account."
— Donny Divanian (via Twitter: @donnydivanian)
"remember, ‘twas the night before CHRISTMAS, not the night before STEVE."
— Blaine Capatch (via Twitter: @blainecapatch)
"Just realized how similar Weird Science is to Y Tu Mama Tambien."
— David Cairns (via Twitter: @davidcairns)
"What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? “Give me your cell number."
— Dana Gould (via Twitter: @danajgould)
"Weird headache on the top right of my head, that comes and goes. I think the voices are trying to escape."
— Colleen Watson (via Twitter: @colleen_watson)
"When someone over 21 says they’re throwing a “pajama party” that’s code for an orgy, right?"
— Frankie Castro (via Twitter: @crankiefastro)
"I have a 100 dollars for sale. I’m asking 90 bucks for it or best offer. It’s in good condition, have all the paperwork. Call before 5."
— John Hoogasian (via Twitter: @JohnHoog)