"You do not know judgment until you walk down the street smoking a cigarette while carrying a yoga mat."

— Kristee Ono (via Twitter)

"Things that dangle gross me out unless they are completely naked and in love with me unconditionally."

— Donny Divanian (via Twitter)

"Zorro = Batman, only more old timey."

— Caitlin Gill (via Twitter)

"Being gay without gaydar is a special kind of hell."

— Karinda Dobbins (via Twitter: @karindadobbins)

"Will people please stop bashing Wall St., they’re only inhuman."

— John Hoogasian (via Twitter: @JohnHoogs)

"If you want to make a woman really insecure and pissed off at you bring up the size of her arms."

— Joe Gorman (via Twitter: @joeygorman)

"If dandruff was cocaine I’d be fucking RICH"

— Sam Weber (via Twitter: @Sam_Weber)

"If I ever frame someone, remind me to check and make sure they aren’t taping our conversation when I finally confess to my crimes."

— Joey Devine (via Twitter: @JoeyDevine)

"My grandma joined an Alzheimer’s Fight Club. She’s kicking ass and forgetting names"

— Mary Van Note (Via Twitter)

"Rick Perry, Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann love Israel, they just hate Jews. The same way they love America and just hate…Jews."

— David Feldman (via Twitter)