"There’s all these social networks: Facebook, Twitter, Vine, Pinterest. I feel like I just need my space."

Andrew Orolfo on being overwhelmed by the Internet @ Ivy Room Open Mic [Paraphrase]

"I killed somebody in cold blood. I drowned them in it."

— Christopher John @ Ivy Room [Paraphrase]


"I had a rough childhood. The only present my parents got me was ‘serious putty’… it does nothing."

- Jason Dove @ Ivy Room [Paraphrase]
[Photo by Jay Austin Graham]

"I had a rough childhood. The only present my parents got me was ‘serious putty’… it does nothing."

- Jason Dove @ Ivy Room [Paraphrase]

[Photo by Jay Austin Graham]

"I don’t do open-mic comedy for the laughs. I do it for the peace and quiet."

Mean Dave @ Ivy Room [Paraphrase]


"I saw this guy in a club the other day that was filling women with water and vinegar. What a douche! Yeah, I said it!"

- Bob Lieberman @ Kingman’s Ivy Room [Paraphrase]
[Photo by Corie Gipson]

"I saw this guy in a club the other day that was filling women with water and vinegar. What a douche! Yeah, I said it!"

- Bob Lieberman @ Kingman’s Ivy Room [Paraphrase]

[Photo by Corie Gipson]

"I love you OJ, but you’re a false positive."

Chris Barylick on “the OJ laugh” @ Kingman’s Ivy Room [Paraphrase]

"I used to think I was all for abortion, but then I realized I just hate meeting new people."

— Christopher John @ Kingman’s Ivy Room [Paraphrase]

11/23. Open Mic Comedy @ Kingman’s Ivy Room. 860 San Pablo Ave. Albany,CA. Sign Ups: 8:30PM. Show: 9:00PM. Hosted by Lyall Behrens.
[50 Cent Beer? When did G-UNIT get an alcohol deal? I thought it was just water.]

11/23. Open Mic Comedy @ Kingman’s Ivy Room. 860 San Pablo Ave. Albany,CA. Sign Ups: 8:30PM. Show: 9:00PM. Hosted by Lyall Behrens.

[50 Cent Beer? When did G-UNIT get an alcohol deal? I thought it was just water.]

"Speaking of magic, Abracadabra, here’s a transition."

— Jules “The Magic Man” Posner

Thursday Comedy Shows (5/5/2011)

Rock and Roll Comedy Showcase @ Kingman’s Ivy Room. 860 San Pablo Ave. Albany. 9 PM. $5. Featuring Jesse Elias, Daryus Monday, John Hoogasian, Amy Miller, OJ Patterson (me) and many more. Brought to you by Keon Kobra. [Stacked effin line-up. I’ll be performing extra hard out of respect to my uber talented colleagues]

The Historic Brainwash Open Mic. 1122 Folsom St. SF. Sign Ups: 6:30. Show: 7-11ish. Hosted by the Legendary Tony Sparks.

San Francisco Comedy Cellar Open Mic. 222 Hyde St. SF. 20 5-Minute Spots via Lottery. 6:30 PM Drawing. 7:00 PM Show. Full Bar + Pizza. Brought to you by Set Up, Punch.

San Francisco Comedy Cellar Open Mic. 222 Hyde St. SF. 20 5-Minute Spots via Lottery. 6:30 PM Drawing. 7:00 PM Show. Full Bar + Pizza. Brought to you by Set Up, Punch.

Toolbox Presents: “She Haw” @ Club 93. 93 9th St. SF. Free. 9PM-2AM. 11 PM Show. Featuring Andrew Roberts, Natasha Muse and Nicole Turley.  

Tourettes Without Regrets. 630 3rd St. Oakland. $10. 8 PM. All Ages. Featuring Steve Danner, Brendan Lynch and Caitlin Gill. 

Hannibal Buress @ The Punch Line. 444 Battery St. SF. 8 PM. Also Featuring Chris Garcia and David Huntsberger