"Getting a handjob is like getting a present of something you already own."
— Cameron Vannini @ Cafe Royale/Monday Happy Hour Comedy [Paraphrase]
"I told my husband, ‘Well, if I get pregnant, that’s nine months where I can throw-up after every meal and not get sent back to therapy… There’s a side of the audience that doesn’t agree with eating disorder material, so let’s purge that from our memories."
— Kelly Anneken @ Cafe Royale/Monday Happy Hour Comedy [Paraphrase]
"I asked a psychic if I’m going to jail. She said, ‘no’, so I robbed her."
— Kellen Erskine @ Comikaze Lounge/Cafe Royale
"If you double stuff the the same hole it’s no longer sex. It’s just a race to puncture her dignity."
— Josef Anolin chiding adult film stars @ Comikaze Lounge/Cafe Royale
"I’m a french comedian, I don’t go for the laugh."
— Clara Bijl on a cold crowd @ Comikaze Lounge/Cafe Royale