Do you guys remember “Inspector Gadget”? [Uproarious applause] Come on, nobody likes Inspector Gadget that much!

- Jesse McGrath @ Vitus

Do you guys remember “Inspector Gadget”? [Uproarious applause] Come on, nobody likes Inspector Gadget that much!

- Jesse McGrath @ Vitus

(Source: toon-anime)

"STOP MOLESTING AFROS!"

— Jesse Elias @ Layover Comedy 

Amy Miller and Audience in... Non-Smoker's Lungs.

  • Amy Miller: I can't smoke weed.
  • Audience Member: Why?!
  • Amy Miller: [Pause] ...because of you.
"Instead of asking “When will there be a female comedian”, write some jokes and go to an open mic."

— Caitlin Gill towards the audience members @ Vitus [Paraphrase]

Leslie Small and Audience in... Stuff White People Like

  • Leslie Small: How was everybody's Memorial Day Weekending
  • Audience Member: Great!
  • Leslie Small: Great! I went camping.
  • Audience Member: What?
  • Leslie Small: Yeah, it's a white people thing. We like to go out and pretend that we're homeless... 'as long as we get to go home!'

Johan Miranda and Audience In... Our Little Fantasy

  • Johan Miranda (to the male counterpart of a couple): You're gonna get laid tonight. And I hope you think of me.
  • Audience Member: I hope I don't!
  • Johan Miranda: Let me just smell your fingers then.
"I’m not going to ruin your relationship, you are."

— Melanie O’Brien’s prophecy towards a couple in the audience @ Vitus

"I’ve been running this mic for about two years and one of the vast improvements is significantly less rape jokes."

— Rajeev Dhar @ Amnesia 


I know I’m not going to make you laugh enough to want to have sex with me, but I know I can go to the bathroom and stick my dick in this beer.

- Juan Medina @ Amnesia [Paraphrase]
[Photo by Andrew Moore]

I know I’m not going to make you laugh enough to want to have sex with me, but I know I can go to the bathroom and stick my dick in this beer.

- Juan Medina @ Amnesia [Paraphrase]

[Photo by Andrew Moore]


Can you all just fucking laugh please?… It would really fill me with confidence.

- Luke Lockfeld @ Dirty Trix [Paraphrase] 
[Photo by Sam Ardrey]

Can you all just fucking laugh please?… It would really fill me with confidence.

- Luke Lockfeld @ Dirty Trix [Paraphrase] 

[Photo by Sam Ardrey]