Johan Miranda and Audience In... Our Little Fantasy

  • Johan Miranda (to the male counterpart of a couple): You're gonna get laid tonight. And I hope you think of me.
  • Audience Member: I hope I don't!
  • Johan Miranda: Let me just smell your fingers then.
"I’m not going to ruin your relationship, you are."

— Melanie O’Brien’s prophecy towards a couple in the audience @ Vitus

"I’ve been running this mic for about two years and one of the vast improvements is significantly less rape jokes."

— Rajeev Dhar @ Amnesia 


I know I’m not going to make you laugh enough to want to have sex with me, but I know I can go to the bathroom and stick my dick in this beer.

- Juan Medina @ Amnesia [Paraphrase]
[Photo by Andrew Moore]

I know I’m not going to make you laugh enough to want to have sex with me, but I know I can go to the bathroom and stick my dick in this beer.

- Juan Medina @ Amnesia [Paraphrase]

[Photo by Andrew Moore]


Can you all just fucking laugh please?… It would really fill me with confidence.

- Luke Lockfeld @ Dirty Trix [Paraphrase] 
[Photo by Sam Ardrey]

Can you all just fucking laugh please?… It would really fill me with confidence.

- Luke Lockfeld @ Dirty Trix [Paraphrase] 

[Photo by Sam Ardrey]


…I’m up here trying to make this human junkyard laugh.

Brendan Lynch’s anti-audience tirate @ Snob Theater [Paraphrase]
[Photo by Shawn Robbins]

…I’m up here trying to make this human junkyard laugh.

Brendan Lynch’s anti-audience tirate @ Snob Theater [Paraphrase]

[Photo by Shawn Robbins]

"I’m not doing too well emotionally… this night isn’t helping."

— Chase Bernstein @ Dirty Trix 

Sammy Obeid and Audience in... Learning

  • Sammy Obeid: Please, someone say something that they learned tonight.
  • Audience Member: Don't be a comedian.
  • [APPLAUSE BREAK]

Joe Gorman & Audience in... Dark Knight Rises

  • Joe Gorman: Did it get dark or did it just get real?
  • Audience Member: Both!
  • Joe Gorman: Yes, it's always darkest before the punchline.
"Leave me alone you big ass bully. You’re the reason gay people kill themselves in record numbers."

— Travis Curry at a big-time, big-body heckler @ Tommy T’s Showroom