"There’s no more history on the History Channel; it’s all “Pawn Stars” and “Storage Nonsense”. It used to be a bunch of Hitler showers, but they don’t do that anymore, and somehow, now, it’s worse."
— David Nguyen @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]
"If you wanna rob a muthafucka, you should first refer back to the “Hierarchy of Muthafuckas”. If you got a gun, you’re on the top of that list. And then it’s mid-range weapons, like a pole, a muthafucka with ninja stars. And then it’s athletic muthafuckas. And then it’s a big, black muthafucka and I rule everything under that shit!"
— Brandon Stokes on why he shouldn’t be targeted by crackheads for robbery @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]
"Did you know that a Fig Newton contains one newton of energy?"
— Ben Kolina @ Kip’s Bar/Totally Party [Paraphrase]
"I’m in my late-20s, so it’s about time to find the guy my kids will be spending weekends with."
— Kate Willett @ Kip’s Bar/Totally Party [Paraphrase]
"I hate girls who complain how much they hate girls."
— Ali Brown @ Under The Sun Studios [Paraphrase]