"You know you’re in the friend zone when you’re putting a condom on her boyfriend."
— Ashton Tate @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]
"Facebook is a graveyard for the friendships I failed to maintain."
— Kelly Anneken @ Lost Weekend Video/Cynic Cave [Paraphrase]
"I’m a nerdy white dude from the Bay Area, of course I’m not married to a white lady. Me and a white lady would be like be like wearing jeans and a jean jacket… It’s too matchy matchy."
— Scott Simpson @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]
"I’m a sensible adult, I use coasters, until [I have] sex and then it’s FLUIDS EVERYWHERE!"
— Matt Lieb @ The Knockout [Paraphrase]
"The hardest part about having sex to Pandora [Radio] is continuing through the commercial."
— Spencer Latham @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]
"If bands are considered a ‘business’, KISS is the Bennigan’s of metal bands."
— Aviva Siegel @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]