"I used to refer to my friend’s mother as ‘Better Mom’. And my mom referred to my friend as ‘Thin Daughter’."
— Eva Valenti @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]
"I love hip-hop… I like going to hip-hop shows. I do find them too interactive for my tastes though. ‘When I say “hey”, you say “ho”!’ Alright, buddy. I didn’t come here for a rally; just rap. I like that that’s my understanding of contemporary hip-hop. When I say “hey”, you say “ho”!’. I sound like my dad rapping. ‘Well name is Paul and I’m here to say…’ My dad and I are the voice that Eddie Murphy mocks."
— Jon Urlie @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]. Full set available: Here (@ 00:33:56)
"You know what I like in life guys? Hookers … You can do things with a hooker your girlfriend won’t let you do… I like to get a hooker and have an opinion."
— Justin Alan @ Mutiny Radio/Pamtastic’s Komedy Klubhouse [Paraphrase]
"At my age, the only exercise I get is running the light."
— Paul Sanford @ Stork Club/Storking Club [Paraphrase]
![“I paid 99¢ and I still feel ripped off.”
- Chad Opitz on Tony’s Macaroni and Cheese Pizza @ Good Bellies [Paraphrase]](http://25.media.tumblr.com/5f1f4c2b1c3c9d5afba8b17ddd34c1ad/tumblr_mnys8kTuNk1qcxc43o1_500.jpg)
“I paid 99¢ and I still feel ripped off.”
- Chad Opitz on Tony’s Macaroni and Cheese Pizza @ Good Bellies [Paraphrase]
"I’ve masturbated to elderly porn, or as I like to call it, ‘Sweatin’ to the Oldies’."
— Ron Chapman @ Good Bellies [Paraphrase]
![“[For me] sex is like pizza because I like to pat it down with a napkin first… Makes me feel healthy.”
- George Chen @ Good Bellies [Paraphrase]](http://24.media.tumblr.com/d29e39738ea52afb07d7a1731fe4fa30/tumblr_mnytm78Ogr1qcxc43o1_500.jpg)
“[For me] sex is like pizza because I like to pat it down with a napkin first… Makes me feel healthy.”
- George Chen @ Good Bellies [Paraphrase]
Sure I could diet and exercise, but why risk having to live any longer than I absolutely have to?
— Chris Thayer (@ChrisThayerSays)I was feeling really down in the dumps around the time I wrote this. So low, in fact, that I actually googled “how not to feel sorry…
![“Fuck the haters! I’m cute! … Earlier today I was in my girlfriend’s kitch wearing only a crown. #i #am #cute!”
- Josh Androsky @ Good Bellies [Paraphrase]
[Photo by Jennifer Berge, and to properly read the quote, you have to replace the #’s with the word “hashtag”]](http://24.media.tumblr.com/3ac5d035c5264ba304d93e01fc4d38ee/tumblr_mnys5kOHsi1qcxc43o1_500.jpg)
“Fuck the haters! I’m cute! … Earlier today I was in my girlfriend’s kitch wearing only a crown. #i #am #cute!”
- Josh Androsky @ Good Bellies [Paraphrase]
[Photo by Jennifer Berge, and to properly read the quote, you have to replace the #’s with the word “hashtag”]
![“Does anybody here remember ‘The Magic School Bus’? [Audience Applauds] Dont fucking clap for that show! It was a show about science with the word ‘magic’ in the title.”
- David Gborie on misnomers and inability to distinguish science from magic @ Milk Bar/It’s Only Two Minutes [Paraphrase]](http://24.media.tumblr.com/ce92e34ac4068595671ded9bb2e611ef/tumblr_mnxjuasOnL1rqwu33o1_500.png)
“Does anybody here remember ‘The Magic School Bus’? [Audience Applauds] Dont fucking clap for that show! It was a show about science with the word ‘magic’ in the title.”
- David Gborie on misnomers and inability to distinguish science from magic @ Milk Bar/It’s Only Two Minutes [Paraphrase]
(Source: swift-as-the-coursing-river)
