"I recently had a bad experience with weed brownies. I ate two of them. 20 minutes later, I didn’t feel anything, so I ate another two. And then all of a sudden out of nowhere, I got diabetes. Now I’m diabetic… still hasn’t kicked in yet."

— Christopher John @ Cynic Cave 2-Year Anniversary/Lost Weekend Video [Paraphrase]

"It’s hard to lose a parent. It’s even harder if you were hoping to lose the other parent first. [beat] If you were my brother, you’d be giving me a standing ovation, ‘Finally somebody said it.’"

— Laurie Kilmartin @ Cynic Cave 2-Year Anniversary/Lost Weekend Video [Paraphrase]

"San Francisco: If you can make it here, you’re still gonna have to make it somewhere else."

Dro @ Rite Spot Cafe/Misery Index [Paraphrase]

"How to Stop Swearing" by Priya Prasad. via rooftopcomedy

[One of the most technically sound bits I know. Love it!]

"Forget wishing for a heart, if I were the Tin Man I would go to Chipotle and watch pretty girls eat foil-wrapped burritos."

Brendan Lynch @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]

"I got so high this morning that I lost a staring contest with the number 88."
– Ben Kolina @ Vice Principals of Comedy / Lost Weekend Video [Paraphrase]

"I got so high this morning that I lost a staring contest with the number 88."

– Ben Kolina @ Vice Principals of Comedy / Lost Weekend Video [Paraphrase]

"I like porn. I like porn so much I jerk off before so I can finish the whole clip."

— Christopher John @ Vice Principals of Comedy/Lost Weekend Video [Paraphrase]

"Fuck the police: they’re notoriously attentive lovers."

Molly Sanchez @ Penelope Bar [Paraphrase]

"I like homemade porn because I feel like a guest… I feel like they invited me over for dinner and let me stay after dessert."

Adrian McNair @ Penelope Bar [Paraphrase]

"Calm down. Cause I feel the tension from y’all. Y’all want me to do so well, I want to do so well for you, but let’s relax and enjoy whatever the fuck happens."

— Richard Pryor (SF70s, Legend) (from Live on the Sunset Strip)