"My cat had her litter on the side of the highway…she was fined $1000"

Dutch Savage @ Jambalaya [Paraphrased] 

"I may not be the funniest comedian tonight but Keith D doesn’t pander"

Keith D on “ra ra comedy” before getting applause @ Milk Bar/It’s Only Two Minutes [Paraphrase]

"Depression is crazy because it’s like living a mash up of Garfield and Groundhog Day, right? Because every day is the same day and they are all Mondays!"

Aly Jones @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]

julesposner:

#MilkinIt! Juan Medina!

julesposner:

#MilkinIt! Juan Medina!

"My dick is so big, my dick gotta dick!"

— Frankie Lee @ Brainwash Cafe/Hella Hustle Showcase Open Mic [Paraphrase]

"You know what I love about bombing? Wherever it is, it all sounds the same"

Chris Sumner @ La Roccas Open Mic [Paraphrase]

"I used to live in the Sunset [District], where it’s cloudy every day. I now live in Oakland, where it’s sunny every day. The bad thing is black and brown people die in Oakland every day. And I’m black and brown, pretty much every day."

David Hobley @ La Rocca’s Open Mic [Paraphrase]


"You might be looking at me like I’m a cool muthafucka. You should see me when I’m by myself. I’m a cool ass muthafucka, when I’m by myself, Jack! That’s right, I talk like a [19]70s pimp when I’m by myself.”

– Keith D’Souza @ La Rocca’s Open Mic [Paraphrase]

"You might be looking at me like I’m a cool muthafucka. You should see me when I’m by myself. I’m a cool ass muthafucka, when I’m by myself, Jack! That’s right, I talk like a [19]70s pimp when I’m by myself.”

Keith D’Souza @ La Rocca’s Open Mic [Paraphrase]

"The economy is so shitty I heard it’s going to take three to tango. I found out that the opposite of “forward” is “Hayward”."

Jason Dove @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase. Full Set: Here @ 39:12]


"Nobody wants to see "this" complain. Nobody wants to see "Miley Cyrus, Aubrey Plaza, Juno" complain. I only say those names because I don’t have my own brand. Get with the biz, jizz."

– Clare O’Kane @ Dark Room Theater/Picture This!/SFSketchfest [Paraphrase]

"Nobody wants to see "this" complain. Nobody wants to see "Miley Cyrus, Aubrey Plaza, Juno" complain. I only say those names because I don’t have my own brand. Get with the biz, jizz."

Clare O’Kane @ Dark Room Theater/Picture This!/SFSketchfest [Paraphrase]

(Source: joshandrosky, via internetclare)