![“I’m a 49ers fan but I want my next boyfriend to be an Oakland Raiders fan because I want someone capable of unconditional love.”
- Nicole Turley @ Dirty Trix Saloon [Paraphrase]](http://25.media.tumblr.com/3a4bfc0e19816a5024afc0dfe83f62a4/tumblr_mmavdbWTRF1qcxc43o1_500.jpg)
“I’m a 49ers fan but I want my next boyfriend to be an Oakland Raiders fan because I want someone capable of unconditional love.”
- Nicole Turley @ Dirty Trix Saloon [Paraphrase]
![It’s a lot of zoo jokes. I smoke a lot of weed, go to a lot of zoos.
- Stephen Furey explaining his material @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]](http://24.media.tumblr.com/3b8fd6e78887f1d4134d85a4da91feac/tumblr_mm5631pVi81qcxc43o1_500.jpg)
It’s a lot of zoo jokes. I smoke a lot of weed, go to a lot of zoos.
- Stephen Furey explaining his material @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]
![“Skinny jeans are the mullet of denim, because they combine good and bad things incorrectly.”
- Mary Alice McNab @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]](http://25.media.tumblr.com/f4382aef797d9da65d13a9f3aad36029/tumblr_mm1fcmXxT51qcxc43o1_500.jpg)
“Skinny jeans are the mullet of denim, because they combine good and bad things incorrectly.”
- Mary Alice McNab @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]
"I’m like a unicorn: beautiful but grotesque."
— Caitlin Gill on being a single woman @ Dark Room Theater/The Business
"I tell people I moved to San Francisco to do stand-up to sound ambitious. The truth is I just want to ride a bicycle and still have people have sex with me."
— Cameron Vannini @ Melt! Cafe [Paraphrase]
"Why am I a communications major? I just yell at people."
— Ryan Papazian @ Dirty Trix [Paraphrase]
"Does anybody know where glitter comes from? [Ignorant silence] Doesn’t that bother anybody?! … It’s probably made by the government. They made AIDS and crack, why not glitter?"
— Jeremy Talamantes @ Portal’s Tavern [Paraphrase]
"If I had to dress like you, I’d kill myself."
— Al, the audience member, towards Chris Schiappacasse @ Portal’s Tavern
"I realized how much money I could make if I didn’t care about sex."
— Nicole Calasich on a recent hackathon @ Portal’s Tavern
"This is what Oakland is about: cooperation and ignoring bad comedy"
— Mean Dave @ Oakland Art Murmur [Paraphrase]
