"I tell people I moved to San Francisco to do stand-up to sound ambitious. The truth is I just want to ride a bicycle and still have people have sex with me."
— Cameron Vannini @ Melt! Cafe [Paraphrase]
"Why am I a communications major? I just yell at people."
— Ryan Papazian @ Dirty Trix [Paraphrase]
"Does anybody know where glitter comes from? [Ignorant silence] Doesn’t that bother anybody?! … It’s probably made by the government. They made AIDS and crack, why not glitter?"
— Jeremy Talamantes @ Portal’s Tavern [Paraphrase]
"If I had to dress like you, I’d kill myself."
— Al, the audience member, towards Chris Schiappacasse @ Portal’s Tavern
"I realized how much money I could make if I didn’t care about sex."
— Nicole Calasich on a recent hackathon @ Portal’s Tavern
"This is what Oakland is about: cooperation and ignoring bad comedy"
— Mean Dave @ Oakland Art Murmur [Paraphrase]
"The only German word I know is “Pabst”, which I think is German for “Tecate”."
— Sean Keane @ MACLA/The Colossal Show [Paraphrase]
"Every time I put on make-up I can’t help but feeling like a Lost Boy getting ready to attack Captain Hook"
— Aly Jones @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]