"I’m in my late-20s, so it’s about time to find the guy my kids will be spending weekends with."
— Kate Willett @ Kip’s Bar/Totally Party [Paraphrase]
"I’m thinking about getting rid of my glasses and getting contacts but I’m afraid of what I’ll lose: blurry sex."
— Emily Van Dyke @ Milk Bar/The Eric Show [Paraphrase]
"I told my husband, ‘Well, if I get pregnant, that’s nine months where I can throw-up after every meal and not get sent back to therapy… There’s a side of the audience that doesn’t agree with eating disorder material, so let’s purge that from our memories."
— Kelly Anneken @ Cafe Royale/Monday Happy Hour Comedy [Paraphrase]
"I hate girls who complain how much they hate girls."
— Ali Brown @ Under The Sun Studios [Paraphrase]
"I recently got my medical marijuana card. Anyone else here cool as fuck?!"
— Jules Posner @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]