"I JUST READ A BOOK recent… [corrects self] Well, I listened to a book recently. Audio books, it’s the bomb; get all of the juice but none of the squeezing."

Stephen Furey @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase. Full Set: Here @ 34:35]

"[Boyfriends] can say anything they want and I won’t want talk to them, if it’s during Game of Thrones. ‘Don’t Talk During Game of Thrones’, those are my house words. They Greyjoy’s are ‘We Do Not Sow’. WE DO NOT TALK!"

Allison Mick @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase. Full Set: Here @ 15:35]

seankeane:

Caitlin and I love sports!

seankeane:

Caitlin and I love sports!

"Do you think if they put Jesus on the penny it would be called a JCPenny?"

Adam Newman @ SF Sketchfest/Lost Weekend Video [Paraphrase]

"… I don’t hate my dad. I just drink like I do."

Jules Posner @ Eureka Theater/SF Sketchfest [Paraphrase]

"It’s funny that the only thing people in San Francisco talk about are the 49ers and gentrification because 1849 was the year San Francisco became gentrified."

Dro @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]

"You ever take a shit so big, you convince yourself you could survive prison?"

Tim Young @ Dorsey’s Locker [Paraphrase] 


"Greyhound is for pregnant teens [audience groans] and ex convicts. Oh is there a lot of pregnant teens in the audience? Well, I did get cheers for [mentioning] Fresno.”

– Julian Vance @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]

"Greyhound is for pregnant teens [audience groans] and ex convicts. Oh is there a lot of pregnant teens in the audience? Well, I did get cheers for [mentioning] Fresno.”

Julian Vance @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]

(Source: julianvance)

"Without beautiful transgendered women I wouldn’t have beautiful shoes. Without gay men I would have a date to prom."

Caitlin Gill on being tall @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]

"I used to love the song "No Scrubs" by TLC, until I grew up and met all of the qualifications…Yeah, I live with my parents, but I’m saving this money for us."

Johan Miranda @ The Knockout Open Mic [Paraphrased]