"If I ever went missing I want my picture to be on an eggnog carton."
— Kyle Mizono @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]
"It’s mighty courageous to tell jokes about your dad and your penis. It’s real courageous to talk about how you can’t hold a job, or a girlfriend, or a hammer…"
— Juan Medina, in a Southern pastor voice, hosting @ Amnesia Bar. [Paraphrase]
"I don’t know if they’ll resolve Marie’s kleptomania but I know Betsy Brandt will be stealing the scene."
— Sean Keane @ Lost Weekend Video/Breaking Bad Finale [Paraphrase]
"It would be depressing because it would just be five dicks and a Comedy Central logo."
— Kate Willett on why she doesn’t make vision boards @ Good Bellies/The Thing That Ate Temescal [Paraphrase]
"It’s true that me and OJ go back a long way; our moms used to do prenatal karate. Those pregnant women saved that village from the evil shogun."
— Jesse Hett @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase. Full Set Available: Here @ 52:25]
"There’s all these social networks: Facebook, Twitter, Vine, Pinterest. I feel like I just need my space."
— Andrew Orolfo on being overwhelmed by the Internet @ Ivy Room Open Mic [Paraphrase]