"Do you think if they put Jesus on the penny it would be called a JCPenny?"
— Adam Newman @ SF Sketchfest/Lost Weekend Video [Paraphrase]
"… I don’t hate my dad. I just drink like I do."
— Jules Posner @ Eureka Theater/SF Sketchfest [Paraphrase]
"It’s funny that the only thing people in San Francisco talk about are the 49ers and gentrification because 1849 was the year San Francisco became gentrified."
— Dro @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase]
"You ever take a shit so big, you convince yourself you could survive prison?"
— Tim Young @ Dorsey’s Locker [Paraphrase]
"Without beautiful transgendered women I wouldn’t have beautiful shoes. Without gay men I would have a date to prom."
— Caitlin Gill on being tall @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]
"Getting out a long-term relationship is the closest thing a human can get to coming out of the Disney Vault."
— Kevin O’Shea @ The Knockout Open Mic [Paraprhase]