- Keith D'Souza: It's cold right now. I so cold that you would go into a basement and watch comedians play video games... (to audience) Are you guys huge video game fanatics?
- Audience Member: No, we came to the wrong show.
- Keith D'Souza: Well, it's too late now! The doors are locked!
— Hayden Greif-Niell dismissing the audience @ Lost Weekend Video/Vice Principals of Comedy [Paraphrase]
- Arj Barker: Do they smoke weed in Israel?
- Israeli Audience Member: Yea. We get it from Egypt.
- Arj: Really? Pyramid Nuggets? You smoke Giza Kush?
- [Originally Posted 5/16/2011]
— Juan Medina after a shouting match happens in front of the stage @ Oakland Outdoor Comedy Show
— Juan Medina, in a Southern pastor voice, hosting @ Amnesia Bar. [Paraphrase]