"I’m so hot in this… This suit is very flammable."

– A suffering Santa Sean Keane @ Roxie Theater/Seanukkah 

"I’m so hot in this… This suit is very flammable."

– A suffering Santa Sean Keane @ Roxie Theater/Seanukkah 

Keith D and Audience in... Too Late Now

  • Keith D'Souza: It's cold right now. I so cold that you would go into a basement and watch comedians play video games... (to audience) Are you guys huge video game fanatics?
  • Audience Member: No, we came to the wrong show.
  • Keith D'Souza: Well, it's too late now! The doors are locked!
"I currently feel better than everybody, because I didn’t pay $10 to see you."

Hayden Greif-Niell dismissing the audience @ Lost Weekend Video/Vice Principals of Comedy [Paraphrase]

Arj Barker and Israeli Audience Member in: Egyptian Lover

  • Arj Barker: Do they smoke weed in Israel?
  • Israeli Audience Member: Yea. We get it from Egypt.
  • Arj: Really? Pyramid Nuggets? You smoke Giza Kush?
  • [Originally Posted 5/16/2011]
"This is the most Oakland show I’ve ever seen."

Juan Medina after a shouting match happens in front of the stage @ Oakland Outdoor Comedy Show 


"You’re not a real woman unless you’ve worn a strap on."

– Eloisa Bravo on femdom @ Oakland Outdoor Comedy Club [Paraphrase]

"You’re not a real woman unless you’ve worn a strap on."

– Eloisa Bravo on femdom @ Oakland Outdoor Comedy Club [Paraphrase]

Favorite Things of Last Night: Sean Patton going for it.
[“Butter…brother…butter, brother, butter… brother.” Why weren’t you there? What’s wrong with you. I haven’t laughed that hard in MONTHS!]
[Photo by willscovill]

Favorite Things of Last Night: Sean Patton going for it.

[“Butter…brother…butter, brother, butter… brother.” Why weren’t you there? What’s wrong with you. I haven’t laughed that hard in MONTHS!]

[Photo by willscovill]

"It’s mighty courageous to tell jokes about your dad and your penis. It’s real courageous to talk about how you can’t hold a job, or a girlfriend, or a hammer…"

Juan Medina, in a Southern pastor voice, hosting @ Amnesia Bar. [Paraphrase]

"It’s true that me and OJ go back a long way; our moms used to do prenatal karate. Those pregnant women saved that village from the evil shogun."

Jesse Hett @ Stork Club/Storking Comedy [Paraphrase. Full Set Available: Here @ 52:25]

"Rude? I’m forcing strangers to listen to what I think is funny. Do you know what level of narcissism that is? Rude is an understatement!"

Rich Dreyling after being called “rude” by a heckler @ Kip’s Bar [Paraphrase]