"I’m from Santa Cruz… I guess I surfed here on a blunt. Fuck Santa Cruz!"

Tyler Hinz contention on being introduced from Santa Cruz @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]


"I’m sorry I had to interrupt your conversation about Ugg boots and not shaking hands with black people."

- Josh Argyle at a group of loud, waspy hecklers @ Dirty Trix Saloon [Paraphrase]

"I’m sorry I had to interrupt your conversation about Ugg boots and not shaking hands with black people."

- Josh Argyle at a group of loud, waspy hecklers @ Dirty Trix Saloon [Paraphrase]

"I love you OJ, but you’re a false positive."

Chris Barylick on “the OJ laugh” @ Kingman’s Ivy Room [Paraphrase]

"Keep it pronoun neutral, that’s how you do crowd work in San Francisco."

Brendan Lynch @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]

"Once you “jizz on my face” the laughter is spent."

Barry Sobel's sage “witty before dirty” comedy advice @ San Francisco Punch Line. 

"I can’t have babies, don’t let my accent fool you. In my culture, this [motions to vagina] shuts down when you get a degree."

— Eloisa Bravo @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]


"Fuck the haters! I’m cute! … Earlier today I was in my girlfriend’s kitch wearing only a crown. #i #am #cute!"

- Josh Androsky @ Good Bellies [Paraphrase]
[Photo by Jennifer Berge, and to properly read the quote, you have to replace the #’s with the word “hashtag”]

"Fuck the haters! I’m cute! … Earlier today I was in my girlfriend’s kitch wearing only a crown. #i #am #cute!"

- Josh Androsky @ Good Bellies [Paraphrase]

[Photo by Jennifer Berge, and to properly read the quote, you have to replace the #’s with the word “hashtag”]


"I’m a sweaty guy [audience member woos]. I got more of a reaction for being sweaty than I did for having a boyfriend… sweataphiles."

- Casey Ley @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]
[Photo by Andrew Moore]

"I’m a sweaty guy [audience member woos]. I got more of a reaction for being sweaty than I did for having a boyfriend… sweataphiles."

- Casey Ley @ San Francisco Punch Line [Paraphrase]

[Photo by Andrew Moore]

"I’m like a lethargic Juggernaut, except I don’t have a crystal in my forehead! … The thing that can stop lethargic Juggernaut is a crowd."

— Josh Marcus plowing through a set @ Sports Basement/Good Times at the Grotto [Paraphrase]

"VIP Heaven is a gym with bottle service."

Josh Androsky @ The Night Light [Paraphrase]