"If I ever frame someone, remind me to check and make sure they aren’t taping our conversation when I finally confess to my crimes."
— Joey Devine (via Twitter: @JoeyDevine)
"My grandma joined an Alzheimer’s Fight Club. She’s kicking ass and forgetting names"
— Mary Van Note (Via Twitter)
"Rick Perry, Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann love Israel, they just hate Jews. The same way they love America and just hate…Jews."
— David Feldman (via Twitter)
"Don’t…push…me…’cause…I’m…close…to…the…….edddge.” - Bono"
— Ben Feldman (via Twitter)
"Cigarettes are like little adorable tanning beds for your teeth."
— Chase Perdue (via Twitter)
"I just bought my first tall tee. Everyone I went to #PittsburgHighSchool with must be so proud of me."
— Greg Asdourian (via Twitter)
"I lost 50 lbs recently. Then the mall police found my kid."
— Victor Torres (via Twitter)
"I bought a new jacket that is Knife proof. I can start speaking my mind again."
— Donny Divanian (Via Twitter)
"I only use the phrase “cray-cray” when I have something really important to say, or when I’m delivering very bad news to a family."
— Kevin Avery (via Twitter)
"Hey evolution, what the fuck? - Platypus"
— Brandon Robinson [Via Twitter]