"Zorro = Batman, only more old timey."
— Caitlin Gill (via Twitter)
"Being gay without gaydar is a special kind of hell."
— Karinda Dobbins (via Twitter: @karindadobbins)
"Will people please stop bashing Wall St., they’re only inhuman."
— John Hoogasian (via Twitter: @JohnHoogs)
"If you want to make a woman really insecure and pissed off at you bring up the size of her arms."
— Joe Gorman (via Twitter: @joeygorman)
"If dandruff was cocaine I’d be fucking RICH"
— Sam Weber (via Twitter: @Sam_Weber)
"If I ever frame someone, remind me to check and make sure they aren’t taping our conversation when I finally confess to my crimes."
— Joey Devine (via Twitter: @JoeyDevine)
"My grandma joined an Alzheimer’s Fight Club. She’s kicking ass and forgetting names"
— Mary Van Note (Via Twitter)
"Rick Perry, Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann love Israel, they just hate Jews. The same way they love America and just hate…Jews."
— David Feldman (via Twitter)
"Don’t…push…me…’cause…I’m…close…to…the…….edddge." - Bono"
— Ben Feldman (via Twitter)
"Cigarettes are like little adorable tanning beds for your teeth."
— Chase Perdue (via Twitter)