Such was the scene at The People’s Non-Binding Arbitration, an every-other-week, judiciary-themed show from Endgames Improv’s UQAQUA. All that happened. I shit you not. Sure, all of it was in the element of improv, the act out, off the cuff, short form variety, sworn on a copy of Improvisation for the Theater, so help you Spolin.
In addition to being a good time, the People’s Non-Binding Arbitration serves a community rife with disagreement. This night, presided by the Honorable Joshua Love of the Third Circuit Divorce Court of Marin County—known as “Judgy Wudgy” to the bailiff—pitted two, not necessarily in contrition, arguments about gluten. In a wild card twist, two of the performers were selected by the audiences to represent “gluten kills (the mood, especially embarrassing when it causes you to repeatedly get up to shit during your niece’s graduation)” against “gluten is a synthetic tool of corporations to overcharge for everything (including, but, not limited to, orange juice).”
The subsequent scenes ranged from goofy to unhinged. The DMV was a house of insult causing an elderly man to slowly attempt murder. “You’re not going to help me kill you?” inquired the fogey. “Ah, kids these days!” Children committed lifelong cons to get back at their chain smoking father. A saucy Politician attempted to make congress until their partner filibustered.
The court’s star witness started innocuously enough, a coupla guys gawking at magazines, noting a certain sadness with the models and celebrities within. They were beguiled by the despair. “Actors love to be humiliated,” noted one of the grazing gentlemen. The other agreed, unraveling the map-sized periodical. Tired of these loiterers, the store’s clerk chased them out to get a moment’s peace. This moment quickly evaporated when a tween-ish adolescent ganked a soda on a five finger discount. Reasonably miffed, the clerk chastised the awshucksbygolly, hair-twirling, and baby-voiced child, who purported a false ignorance (and took exception to any consequences to the contrary). This brought in the child’s father, who instantly sided with their spawn and bellowed at the clerk for harassing his “innocent” daughter. That brought in a police officer, who instantly sided with the enraged parent and deceitful little angel, pulling a gun on the perp (i.e. person doing their job) and had them lay on the floor. The ensuing maddening madcap was one of Uqaqua’s funniest scenes. Oh the hilarity of injustice!
In the end, “Gluten Kills” won as their opposition crumpled to the floor in anguish. Maybe next time. Maybe next time.
This case marks the departure of UQAQUA’s Sal. Though I know not why this would be his last, I will miss his reassuring talent and bright, monochromatic t-shirts.